Thursday, April 23, 2009

nobody wants things to happen this way.
i dun wan my family to be lidat, but i cant choose.
u dun wan to keep meeting so unlucky stuff, but u keep meeting them.

just feels like putting everything down n just dun care.
the hope of giving up for an easier life that you think might haf gotten.

but it's not the case,
the more u dun wan things to come ur way,
it just keeps coming.
the only way is to keep challenging until one day ur luck gets better i guess.
i noe it's kind of difficult. it just keeps coming.

sometimes i'm thinking,
can i even help u with anytthing?
it makes me feel een more horrible to see u in such a state but i cant do anything.
hafta think for u, ur ego-ness, ur pride, ur face n so many many things.

dear arh dear!
let's just face it together ba.
let's be determined to drive the unlucky-ness away?
drive urs away, n drive mine away too.

hmm.. things will get better de..
trust urself! dun sink back into the deep sorrows again!
jiayous k!
Sunday, February 15, 2009

suddenly felt like reading some backdated stuf..
*click nov 2007*
i cud hold my pi qi so well..
but since he gt into uni, i didnt manage to hold it back quite well..
no wonders i've become the tigeress..

as much as i dun wish to be one..
i still am one in his life now..
saddening.. ending up like all other women did, like all other mummies, which i totaly hate to be one..

wellwells,
i tink i'm starting to tone down abit le..
shall just go back to who i really really am..
tho the reeally really me will still feel damn upset abt stuff, but rarely spits fire like a godzilla! hahas..

sometimes, like today,
i no longer question him the day before if he's gonna come over today.
cos i know tis week i've been seeing him most of the time.
n it's not a must for us to tok for hours over the phone now,
cos i really am tired. tink i'm really getting old too.
tho the whole week routine ting is gonna start again n i noe i will feel low in the beginning always,
but not now at least.still haf a few hours before the week ends.
i'm glad the week has endedd well.
Thursday, January 29, 2009

hmm last night i really din expect u to be staying over..
for wadever reasons u stayed over,
i'm happie u did stayed over
n entertained my tonnes of qns with a happie farni ending..
i want more of these kind of farni qns n ans.. wahahas... =P

hmm.. i get wad u meant by u noe u'll be seeing me for the next four days..
hmm.. i'll try to get that point.. n yahr.. by nt making a big fuss lor..
hmm..but yst is CNY leh.. hehe.. important occasions not counted k? hahas..

hmm..aiya.. i noe u mj-ing.. win more bah.. let the niu niu help u make more money!!! hahas.. =)
Saturday, January 24, 2009

arsehole! hmpf!

y i gt such a bf who doesnt even wan to move his fingers just to make me happie? or interact with me the tings i'm interested in??
Saturday, January 10, 2009

i noe u've been really nice.. since the year start.. everything is good..
yahr i take tings too seriously.. but cant u just tok to me about it.. must we be in such a state then u will tell me wad u r tinking.. i mean i can tink that way.. i do noe that u made the effort to come down.. cabbing down tat night too... i noe u dun haf a choice but to sit so far away.. haf u tot about it.. if u wud haf tok to me.. telling me all these communicate wif me instead of letting me go tink myself.. even if i tot abt it i will still feel bad in sm way.. cos it's onli wad i tot.. u dun say it out.. i duno if tat's wad u were tinking too.. if u wud haf said u din care abt wad i wear cos as long as i'm dere it's good enuf.. isnt it like damn good to hear tat n wun make me go tink how bad it is?tis kind of ting it's the communication i need from u. i'm really bad at tis if u let me go tink myself without acknowledging wad i tink.

i noe u haf no choice but to go for ur trn n left me behind. but there's really ntg u n i can do again. it's like i cry until lidat to get ur attention i oso cant. it's my fault for crying until lidat n asking u to come over after u reach skool.
it's just damn horrible u noe? but after trn u rather stay in hal n do ntg n tok to frens rather than dropping a msg, or msg me call me to see if i'm alright. it's my stupid to leave ur room n spend the night alone somewher, waiting for u to find me.

all these while i noe u've been trying veri hard to treat me good. being self-ctred was almost gone. it's my fault to say u r self-ctred. it's cos u haf no choice when u r in cheerleading. n whenever i recall how u ranked ur priorities n i'm not the top few, i just duno how. everything tat i said u r self-ctred cos u neva pei me or wadeva it's all my fault. u dun haf a choice n i'm not being understanding to u.how u treated me i noe. i just tink the whole problem is just communication problem. if i am the worm in ur stomach, i wun haf so much problem. n i'm scared. i'm scared tat if i'm too understanding u will just take me for granted again. tat kind of wadeva i do yet not appreciated feeling i really dun like. but i noe u r not appreciated in many occasions alr too. but it doesnt mean u can do ntg. i jsut hope all these can be prevented by doing stg n toking to me abt it. it's just all abt toking communicating lahr. i noe i'm not one sweet ger too. i'm not a veri nice gf too. but i wan to be one. cos it will avoid alot fo problems. dun haf to be super super sweet kind but at least alittle bit. maybe yahr. i'm asking for stg to be done before i do.

perhaps ur sis's wedding i went wif a wrong objective. it's my fault to tink that u neglect me or u dun wan me. i noe u keep coming over. i noe it's not ur choice again. it's my fault for tinking tis way n not being unerstanding to you. i neva tot u felt like a chore when u r sitting alone. cos u neva said it n u look happie tat night. my fault for not being totful. my stupid brains ya.

i noe u were just joking but i just cudnt take it can. i dun haf a decent photo wif u. n i've tried to forget abt it le. but the facebook pictures. n u set it to ur display pic? when i see u can take photos, n u pt it on ur display pic, it just hurts me lahr. i din noe u can be lidat. it's my fault to tink i want to take nice nice photos wif ya. n it's my fault to ask u tot take photos wif me when u r not dressed nicely.

fine, i noe it's my bad for flaring yst. i was desperately in need of your attention. if u can tok to me lidat when we were in the car, we dun hafta go thru all these. y cant u just tok to me in the car lidat yst?

honestly after every quarrel, i noe i;m bad in some ways too. i'm at fault. i'm bad in handling these problems. i never tot tat it's all ur fault. i wish i cud be a daring ger who can be totally be understanding for u, not asking u to acknowledge it at all. yahr. i've been really bad to ask u change tis change tat do tis do tat. tat;s cos i dunno if u acknowledge me or wad i said not. n yup it's my fault. i din noe u had tat feeling. being not so self-ctred to me, is it one of them? thru the time, u changed abit for me. at least not so self-ctred to me. it's my fault to expect that u acknowledge wadeva i do for u, tink for u. yet on the other hand i din tink for u.

it's all my fault.
i noe u always tink tat"at the end of the day it's all ur fault, not mine"
but u r wrong. it's not the case. i admit i'm harsh cos u always haf excuses for urself, u always try to say it's not ur fault n it's mine. jus tlike the taking photo wif u on the wedding day, u put it as if it's all my fault n tink tat u dn haf any fault at all. so i duno if u understood wad i was trying to bring across to u. i regret for not asking u to take photo. i regretted. i din noe u will so shuang kuai to take photo tat day. u din tell me too. like a few days later den u kept telling me abt the photos ting. it's like totally my fault lidat. n tis is onli joking. can u imagine for other tings like prioritising me amongst other tings? like ... ... when it's not suppose to be a joke at all.

i really duno i was like forcing u to change until the previous quarrel. n yst after hx tell me n reminded me again. i tot i was willingly heeding ur advice n change at times too. i tot perhaps i cud tell u n make tis relationship a happier one. i din noe u still tink i'm forcing u to change. i tot i tried to keep everything to myself. everything will be good. but i just needed to let it off smtimes. i din noe tat on the wedding tat day u really felt tat way too. u look just too happie n normal to me. n i tink it's my fault again. when haf u not happie before doing stg tat u dun really like oso smiley smiley arh. cheerleading, wedding, which one haf u been not happie when u complain abt it too? i duno which is real whish is not, which to believe which to not. n u've been saying how unimpt i am, so how am i suppose to believe tat wedding tat day u wanted to sit wif me or wadsoeva. i tot i cud be understanding n eat it down in my stomach myself. until i realise i cant was when the frens were toking abt it. haiz. i duno. y izzit tat my case is always so different from other ppl? so much so tat when i accept it alr, i start to shake upon hearing those tings. my bad again for yahr comparing n not believing in wad i believed tat u dun wan it tis way too.

my auntie say 5.30pm can go down. if u still wan to cut ur hair den let me noe bah.


At the end of the day its always my fault u are right i am wrong.

i neva do anything to change and so wats the point. hmm i wonders you say i always dun say anything sweet to reconfirm you la blah blha blah...do u? so hmm and again its okie if u shy and not okie if i shy...or mayb i shld say y shld it always be me?

hmm self centered. mayb to some extent yes. but again..let me prove and show if i am really self centered, would i cab down? hmm and hmm yah come fetch me is a wrong thing y? cos you will spoil me..so nex time i shld not go fetch you oso la..cos i will spoil you right? was i appreciated at allf or cabbing down yesterday? hmm..yah wat i got was

wth did i do last night?
last night when i said "i'm not like smone who treat other things more impt than me lor. at least mine is onli a turtle n is he gave it to me one" den i duno y he just turned away. he din say anything sweet to deny my sentence.

So cabbing down to show your importance and yet i am acused of being un sweet uncaring and stuff. fine lor let it be la.you right ma i wrong. i self centered rational and bastard.

i msg HX cos i ask him to look for you see if you are okie. and let me know. so i wrong again i too rational i bastard. i got things to do ask u where u wan go no reply. so i come back ask u how take the car? dun wan no answer. give you the keys and i bastard leave u in car to cry. dun care. too rational. leave you alone i too self centered my fault i wrong.

hmm so in my bid to try and make things better spend more time with you. treating you better. all a naive thot to you. hmm okie sorry then for tryin i shld jus be back to my usual self and not bother. you always say i neva put myself in your shoes and so now i tryin to put myself in ur shoes.. but sorry arh have you ever done the same to me? i go bac sch cool down rest for 1 hour before goin training cannot need to go find you again. cos u upset and yah lor i not yah so i self centered i too rational and i bastard.

everything i did these few weeks to make u feel better not neglected have a better year.
"i've been saying tonnes n tonnes but he never noes how i felt. anyways, he told me tat even if he do stg, i wun feel better. WTF! tis is just another one sentence that contributes to the pile of hurtful stuff he said."
Do i not know? actually i know for a very long time alr and i have been tryin to change alr..but hmm when have things with you actually gotten better?

Is comin for my sister's dinner mixing ard with my relatives for a few hours really sucha though thing to do? and in any case after every dish i oso got go find you not that i wan to put you so far or dun wan sit with you. but wat are my relatives goin to tink if i sit with you or put you in the VIP table have you ever thot for me? YES yeah thank god charles jin wei leslie there make your night better. and so sorry i neva pei you. i F-ed up. i CB ask your mum if wat i do already wrong or not. okie. i tried to walk over as much as i can le i neva even go tok to any relatives always come find you only whenever i got break. besides helpin my sister take the photos. did i even get a thanX dear or sorry mak eu keep runnin about? hmm sorry i neva thot u sitting alone is sucha chore when i oso am sitting alone yea and yea to charles woots make you laugh yea to leslie make your night yea to jin wei do whatever to make you feel good and bastard to me for inviting you. woots. well done. have i not thot or tried to make you closer same table as me? i alr did. and again woots y i go do so much at the end oso i CB i bastard. yes i dun care what you wear cos to me so long as you are there thats wats important to me.

fine not taking photos my fault oso. mayb i harped on it too much too long. but i jus tryin to say i shuai i not saying you not pretty or wat. and i'm pretty much jus jokin only ma..need to be so serious, angry and upset bout it? i duno..

probably yes after all you are the only one giving in and i'm the one at fault. i not understanding enough. and yea i'm self centered. woots for this relationship man.
Monday, December 15, 2008

did stg bad lahr..